Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
