at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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