Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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