i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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