I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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