oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
