Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
