Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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