I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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