I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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