I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
