I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
40s are totally the cure
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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