i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
