he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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