I just saw a hot homeless man
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
