i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
