12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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