So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
