So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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