My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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