if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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