There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
