I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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