his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
