sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
