I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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