Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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