he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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