If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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