my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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