oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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