I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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