I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
