Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
