We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
