you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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