now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
