so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
