i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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