I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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