Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
