i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
