I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
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The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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