I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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