Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
