when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's get the cat blown out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
