literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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