He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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