I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
