i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
