Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
