I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
