3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
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Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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