A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
