I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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