Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
