I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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