I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
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Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
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I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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