Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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