i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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