either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
